#197 - Another Year In The Books

"St. Peter, don't you call me 'cause I can't go. I owe my soul to the company store."
Tennessee Ernie Ford, "Sixteen Tons"

Fortunately, as I prepare to turn the calendar on another year, I do not owe my soul to the company store or to any other store for that matter. I might owe myself an apology, though.

As I prepare to celebrate another year, I realize that in many ways my life is more fulfilling than ever. I am writing songs I am proud of and actually getting to share some of them with the outside world instead of keeping them hidden away. I only wish I'd done so sooner.

I've written songs now in five different decades. However, for most of that time, I lacked the courage and self-confidence to try to do anything with them. The up side is that I wrote most of my horrendous songs before I ever had the nerve to publicly share anything. The down side is that I let a lot of years go by before doing so.

On the other hand, I am finally sharing some of my songs, and the songs I am sharing are some of the best I've ever written. While I could wish I'd started sooner so as to maybe have a larger audience, the fact that any of my songs have had any audience at all is still very gratifying.

I think I'm learning that my time frames and my pace of life and doing things don't necessarily match up with how the rest of the world operates. Then again, I suspect I've really known that all along.

I am also coming to terms with and learning to accept the fact that I will never be mistaken for a bodybuilder or someone like Jack LaLanne. I like to eat; I like to drink; I don't like to exercise. I think that combination pretty much guarantees that I will look more like Mr. Potato Head than Mr. Universe.

It has taken a while, but I am learning that I have little power over the prejudice, the shortsightedness, or the narrow-mindedness of others. Nor do my shortcomings in various areas help to balance the scales.

I have learned that Facebook is not the place for serious discussion of issues. Nor is it the place to change minds or sway opinions. People will share what they believe and block what they don't, and seldom do the opposing views interact in any meaningful or civilized way.

In conjunction with that, I have learned that "social media," while sounding like a platform for people all over the world to come together and share thoughts, opinions, and ideas, is basically only a place for people to say hello, share recipes, post cat pictures, and express political half-truths. Once I realized these things, I became less frustrated with social media.

There is one other thing I've learned. In spite of the events of the past year, I remain an optimist and an idealist where the world is concerned. As John Lennon once sang, "You might say I'm a dreamer." Some might call me naive and foolish. So be it. I'd rather be naive and foolish and believe in the prospects for a better and more united world than to accept the alternative.

The way I see it, as look as I'm still dreaming, I'm still living. I've learned in the past year that dreams can come true even if not quite in the way originally imagined. So I'll keep on dreaming. Because every once in a while, the dream becomes reality. I hope you keep on dreaming as well.

#179 - Another Auld Lang Syne

As I sit here, there are less than four hours left in 2014. My son is busy playing away on his WiiU, and my wife is asleep on the sofa in the other room. I'm sitting here trying to figure out just what I want to say as one year ends and a new one begins. Do we know how to party or what?

As is the case every year, new names and faces entered the world as well as the public consciousness while other people gave up their earthly existence, their souls embarking on the next stage of their cosmic adventure.

For some of my friends, the losses hit closer to home. One friend and former colleague lost her father. Even though children are supposed to outlive their parents, I don't think it's any easier for a child to lose a parent than it is for a parent to lose a child. In some ways, that kind of loss may sum up better than anything what life is really all about.

Life is not supposed to be easy. It is not supposed to stay constant; life is fluid, always changing, much like a river changes over time. The other part of the lesson in all of this may be that nothing worth having is gained without effort.

A different kind of loss befell another friend of mine this year. Her longtime boyfriend lost his job after working for the same company for many years. That kind of loss can put stress on a relationship and create all kinds of uncertainty. Being that he is the same age as me, I can relate a bit to the challenge ahead as he tries to re-enter the workforce, especially when it comes to landing a good-paying job. The one difference is that I was lucky enough to be able to leave on my own terms.

Just as in any year, 2014 was not without its positive moments. We welcomed a grand or great niece into the family. Teresa and I enjoyed a wonderful week with her brother and his wife and without children. I wrote more than I have in years, and Teresa and I worked up one of my lyrics that we may perform publicly for the first time in early 2015.

Sometimes I think about things that might have been and things I might have done if I'd had more ambition or drive or strength of personality. At the same time, as I get older, I realize that as long as I'm breathing it's never too late to start working on making one's dreams a reality. Having said that, I also realize that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to wait so long to get started.

May the coming year bring each of you health, happiness, and peace. Most of all, though, I hope 2015 brings each one of you the desire to pursue and achieve at least one of your dreams. Make new friends and remember old ones. Reconnect with your inner self and with those around you. Happy hunting and happy new year!

#178 - Lessons Learned

"Lessons learned are like bridges burned, you only need to cross them but once."

- Dan Fogelberg

I don't think Dan Fogelberg had someone like me in mind when he wrote those words thirty-plus years ago. Over the course of my journey through this lifetime, it seems I have had to learn some lessons more than once. At least it feels that way.

As I prepare to mark another year in the book of life, I look back and ponder the question of what, if any, lessons have I learned. I'd like to think perhaps I have finally learned a few, albeit at a slightly later stage in life. However, the reality is that I am still learning. At least I hope I am. Among the things I am trying to learn:

1. Stuff is replaceable. Friends and family are not.
   
   When I was four years old, my favorite toy was a working mockup of a car's dashboard. It had a  little windshield with working wipers, a steering wheel with a working horn, even a radio (which for some reason never did work). One day, some other child picked up this favorite toy of mine and threw it into the swimming pool of the apartment complex where we lived. I tried to go in and save it, but being unable to swim at the time, I guess I was lucky not to have drowned. It was my first real sense of loss. The following year, my father left for good. Although I now know there were good reasons for him being banished from our lives, you can probably guess which loss had the greater impact.
   
   
2. Define your stuff. Do not let your stuff define you.
   
   So often we are defined by what we do or by what we have. People with big houses and new cars are seen as successful. People with smaller houses and older cars are not. It seems to me the really successful people in this scenario are the marketers and salespeople who convinced those with the big houses and new cars that they needed these things and the added expenses that go with them. As I get older, I think about getting rid of stuff, stuff I don't use or need. At the same time, my son talks about getting more stuff. The battle of the bulge with regard to stuff is a never-ending one. In the new year, I hope to put our house on a stuff diet.
   
   
3. Sometimes, less is more.
   
   This piggy-backs on the previous point about stuff. We work five or six days a week, 40, 50, even 60 hours or more a week, volunteer for overtime, etc., all in search of a bigger paycheck to pay for our toys and the things we want. Perhaps if were a bit more selective or held on to things longer or perhaps did not jump on every bandwagon or take part in every new craze that comes along (the hype over the new iPhone 6 comes to mind) we would not need quite as much money and would actually have time to enjoy what we do have and perhaps spend time with friends and family. Yes, there are things I want, but I try to wait patiently as we save toward those things. In the meantime, I look at some of the things around me and wonder whether I could get rid of some of them.
   
   
4. Once you reach a certain age, time is no longer on your side.
   
   When the Rolling Stones sang that time was on their side, they were all in their early 20s. Once you reach the age of 30 or 40 (definitely 50), time is no longer on your side. In other words, if there is something you've dreamed of doing, do it. I struggle with this one because of a variety of factors: lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, lack of discipline, just a lack of. Throughout my life, I have had a number of dreams. Many of them I've long since given up on, some I stubbornly hold on to.
   
   
5. Chase your dreams while you are young before life gets in the way.
   
   This could almost be point 4b. I am not saying here that it is impossible to pursue your dreams after a certain age. However, I do think it is easier to chase a dream when one is younger and still firmly holding on to the strength of their convictions. Older people sometimes refer to the young as being idealistic and/or naive, as if that were a bad thing. I suspect that some of them are actually lamenting the loss of their own innocence and of their own dreams when they say something like that. They realize that it is easier to chase a dream before one gets tied down with a job, a family, a mortgage, etc. Having said that, however:
   
   
6. Never stop dreaming.
   
   Even as we get older, it is important to keep dreaming. Dreaming may not keep us young, but it can help keep us young at heart and give us a reason to get out of bed each morning. Even at my age, I continue to dream. I truly believe that the day I stop dreaming is the day I die, even if the body lingers for years after. Do not listen to those who tell you to grow up and start living in the real world. They are the walking dead who stopped dreaming years ago. Having seen the real world, I can attest that it is not all it is cracked up to be.
   
   
7. Find your passion in life and pursue it.
   
   I believe that each of us has something we were born to do, and only rarely does it coincide with what we do for a paycheck. Often, it may not bring any financial reward at all. Riches, though, are not defined simply by one's bank balance. I have struggled with this for years and have yet to truly define my passion, but I know it's out there. I think, perhaps, that my passion is writing, though not the type of writing I've often spoken to others about, novel writing. I think lyric writing may be my passion; it has certainly been my lifeline for 40-plus years. I will never be mentioned in the same breath as Paul McCartney or even Irving Berlin, but I think I occasionally come up with something pretty good. So I keep writing. If you cannot identify your passion, ask a friend to help you. Brainstorm, do whatever it takes, but find it. Having a passion, more than a big paycheck or lots of stuff will help keep you sane and will likely lead to a happier life.
   
   
8. Look beyond the black and white to the shades of gray. It is there that the truth is found.
   
   I am fearful of people who speak in absolutes. No one has all the answers. No one religion or philosophy has all the truth. There are always at least two sides to every story, sometimes many more. I also believe there is more to truth than mere facts. One needs context as well. Without context, facts are like random numbers, meaningless. Often, looking beyond the words to the speaker and the circumstance is much easier said than done. I myself probably fail as often as I succeed. But I believe it is worth the effort.

Keep trying. Keep learning. Keep laughing. Keep loving.

#161 - An Open Letter to My Son

On Tuesday, our son Christopher turns 18, that magical age at which all of us become adults. This past weekend, we marked the occasion with a party at the local bowling alley. It was a small affair; the neighbor brought her son and daughter, and two girls Christopher invited from school were also gracious enough to attend.

Christopher said he had a great time, for which I am thankful. It did, however, get me to thinking about what is next for him. I know what I hope for him, but I'm never quite sure what Christopher wants out of life or if he thinks about it much. It's always been a tough subject to discuss with him. Perhaps, like me, he expresses his thoughts better in writing. So, I thought I would try writing down what I hope for Christopher and ask him what he hopes for himself.

Dear Christopher,

In a couple of days, you will turn 18. It is a challenging time and also an exciting one. Most 18 year-olds are preparing to graduate from high school and head off to college or perhaps to working life. As you well know, though, your autism makes you unique in many ways from others your age.

And yet, observing you at your birthday party on Saturday, I see that you are in many ways much like other young men your age. You have a strong interest in girls, and you know a pretty girl when you see one, judging from the two you invited to your party. You also have an adult sense of humor, one that can even be a bit naughty at times. (Your mention of being in a "girl sandwich" did take me a bit by surprise, I have to admit.) So, in many ways you are a lot like your fellow classmates.

You do also have your challenges - sense of time and money, being able to process information and respond in a timely manner. The latter sometimes makes you seem deliberate and thoughtful. At other times, it can be maddening. I suspect that patience will always be a struggle for those you come into your life.

Speaking of your life, what does it hold in store? What do you want to do with your life? What will be possible? I think all of us (teachers, aides, even us parents) have sold you short a time or two in your first 18 years. We have all struggled to determine what you are capable of and what you might be capable of in time. At times, you seem very mature and capable of great things. At others, I struggle to  hold on to the idea of you being able to live a meaningful life. I used to tell people you were 17 going on six going on 30, such are the emotional and intellectual shifts I've seen you make.

You have expressed an interest in varying things, some of them right in line with what many other young adults are interested in - a wife, a family, a career. I don't know how many of these will be possible. I hope all of them. Regardless, I hope you will be better than I was at celebrating the successes and dealing with the disappointments you will likely encounter.

At 18, your whole life is ahead of you. I hope you are able to articulate your dreams and make them come true. Where you are concerned, I've always believed anything is possible. I've no doubt it will be harder for you to make your dreams come true. But I've also no doubt that you are capable of much, probably more so than any of us give you credit for.

Your autism will convince some, perhaps many, that the things you want in life are not practical or achievable for you. Do not listen to them unless you become convinced they are correct, but decide that for yourself. Do not let them convince you. Fight for your dreams but also recognize that you will likely have to work harder to make your dreams a reality.

I know I have been hard on you at times, but it is only because I can see the potential for your life. Deep down, I've no doubt you are capable of making your dreams, whatever they are, come true. If you are willing to work hard at it and not hold on to the frustrations will will most certainly encounter, all things are possible. Dream big! Work hard! Love fully! Live!

Love, Dad

#151 - The Importance of Being a Dreamer

"I know that everybody has a dream / Everybody has a dream
Everybody has a dream / And this is my dream, my own"

- Billy Joel "Everybody Has a Dream"

I guess I've had a number of dreams over the years. Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a doctor. Then, when I learned how long that would take, I switched to dreaming of architecture (still an interest), then law. Along with the dream of becoming a lawyer was the thought I might someday go into politics - until I realized I wouldn't even win an election in my own family.

These are the dreams of what I would call real life - what I wanted to be when I grew up. There were also the dreams I knew to be complete fantasy - dreams of being a successful baseball player, even though I had no talent; dreams of being a singer/songwriter (I do like to sing and do still write lyrics, so maybe I haven't completely let go of that one); dreams of owning a number of television and radio stations, a pale imitation of which played out in my ten years working in radio and television; even dreams of being an acclaimed novelist (haven't quite let go of that dream yet). Most of these were part of my survival mechanism, I suppose, a way to cope with and get through all of the crap I felt to be going on around me.

Delusional? Perhaps. But I have come to realize that dreams are important to us in all stages of life. They are, really, the thing that keeps up going and makes it possible for us to get out of bed day after day. Even if they might never come true, there is always a chance they might, and that makes it possible for people to go on. They certainly made it possible for me to go on.

An oft-paraphrased quote from Karl Marx states that religion is the opiate of the masses. In some ways, I suspect our dreams are the opiate. They are what keeps us going when times are hard. They give us something to look forward to, to get out of bed for. It has been said that when we stop dreaming, we die.

So even at my later stage of life, I continue to dream. For the most part, my dreams have changed with age. I no longer dream of being this or of having that career. Instead, I dream of going places, seeing things. My dream now is of retiring and living full-time in a motorhome, traveling to see places I've never seen and people I haven't seen in a long time.

Right now, it looks as if that dream could well come true, and that helps keep me going. Plus, I still have dreams of writing that novel. If I can just find the discipline to sit down and do it. What dreams do you hold on to?